Sunday June 26 2022

I feel the need to write about how I feel.  I have a wide range of feelings today.  Loneliness.  Fear. Panic. Sadness. Fatigue. Nausea. Sadness. and probably Depression.  All in the same day.  OMG I wish Ted was here to be with me to face all of this. I miss him so much. I didn't know it would be this hard.
I didn't know it would be this painful.

I am back in Modesto.  Almost everyday I think how the fuck did this happen.

I have congestive heart failure and I had to come back to Stanford so they could save my life.  

I couldn't stay in Oregon. I am lost at sea.  I have no compass. I have no anchor. I have a little dog who worries about me all the time.  I have two cats who are confused by my unhappiness.  None of us play.  We all just exist.  I tell myself and others counsel me to count my blessings and I have so many.  But..... I am alone, the world is in crisis, there is war, famine, floods, fires and greed and cruelty beyond anything I have seen before.  I am old and have seen so much but nothing like what I am seeing now.  Yes, I have all the material things a person could ever ask for.  I have it all. I guard it and protect it and us. I do not share any of it with the less fortunate.  I give money to those who help others.  I give nothing of myself to any organization or program.

The Pandemic changed a lot of things.  lives have changed a lot of ways large and small and will never be the same again.  I am noticing post pandemic or rather decreased covid deaths, that many people have moved more closely to their nuclear family.  Families are vacationing together. celebrating events together.  I don't have much family left.

My friends have...how do I say this...many of my Modesto friends have moved on away from me.  I have a few friends.  Not many.  Many have moved closer to their families and that is where they spend their time.  I have mixed feelings about visitors.  I love it but it tires me out.  I become exhausted after a time.  I don't go to anyone's home.  The COVID and my fatigue factor.  I don't think I could shower, get dressed, drive to someone's home and sit through dinner.  I just don't have that kind of energy.  I go to Costco and that is about all I can handle at one time.  I go to Lowes for garden supplies.  I go to Target, twice.  I have been out to breakfast once.  It was wonderful and comfortable and fun....with Juan.  His happiness is contagious.  He is returning from Mexico any day and I am looking forward to a visit with him.  

Friends....  I do not have a best friend.  Ted was my best friend and he died.  Arnie was my best friend and he died.  Thats it.  My family, my generation are almost all dead.  All my aunts and uncles and cousins all gone.  I used to love calling my mother.  She was there for me !00%.  All the time.  When I needed to talk to someone who loved me and cared about me all I had to do was call my mom.  I had her for a long time but not long enough.  Wouldn't it be nice if heaven was true and we all got to be with our loved ones again.  How would that work.  I have lost so many.  Dear Paula just recently.  I miss her.  She handled her very difficult situation so well.  We laughed together.  I miss laughing with Paula. I miss them all.  All the family.  All the friends.  I miss the friends who have abandoned me.  Yes, I feel abandoned by people I thought were friends and who I thought cared about me.  That stings.

Who am I.  I don't think I know now.  I am estranged from so many people that is worries me that I am a person I wouldn't like.  I don't get it.  I am not confrontational.  But, I have been told you can always tell what I am thinking by just looking at me. So here I am.  No purpose.  No life.  No fun.  No excitement. Still wondering what happened.
  

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