So I moved to Oregon

  January 23, 2024 How can that be?  4:55 p.m. I just spent a lot of time trying to login to this.  Every time there is an update on any software I it is trouble for me.   I have a house across the street from me.  It sold in December and the people moved out.  It has been sitting empty.  The fence to the backyard has been up and down.  I suspect someone is living in there.  My cameras can't pick up anything because of the lighting.   Today about 8 small Asian people, speaking a language I did not recognize, came in three vehicles.  They have been milling around in the street, on the sidewalk and lawn.  I walked Hanako and came in the house.  Hanako is on a leash watching everything.  She just barked aggressively.  I always check when she barks.  I can see one police car and about three more cars in front of the house.  I face the side of the house and noone is on the side of th...

  January 19, 2024 1:00 p.m. Today is my parents anniversary.  I remembering asking about it. It sounded appropriate for the times. No pictures. I have a 3:15 appointment with my primary care doctor.  I had a blood test and my calcium was off the chart.  A real spike.  I had another blood test and my TH was off the chart.  That is a Thyroid measurement.  I am (deep sigh) sad about this.  It might be another big challenge. I have started to feel good about this house and am accepting living in Modesto as a necessity.  I would certainly like to have some peace. I would like to have an uneventful life for a while.  Apparently that is not to be.  I will face this like I have faced all those other times in my life. I ate some food brought to me by someone else.  Not good.  A very disturbed stomach. I know better.

 January 18 2024 I was going to enter something interesting and fulfilling but since I am suffering the ravages of old age my mind is my health, again, still, forever apparently.  New test result this morning. Thyroid test TH way off the charts. More medical procedures.  Maybe this is the big one.  Maybe more cancer.  Maybe this time it will take me out.  I am almost ready to go.  I have many things completed but still more to do.  My trust is signed.  I am trying to make it as easy as possible for Rylan.  And for me too I guess. It is a typical winter day in Modesto.  It is cold damp overcast and dreary.  Just what the almonds need.  We will have plenty of sunshine soon enough. I will be taking both cars in the "smog" them this afternoon. It is a full time job taking care of me and mine.  

 I don't know what to call this blog.  Leaman's Nest is gone forever.  I think I will call it Margaret's Madness.   I am trying to remember dates I think I moved here March 2022 to 530 Magnolia Then I moved to Morada Drive December 1 2022. Close enough.

  So I am back in Modesto Not by choice but by circumstance.   It is a very cold wintry day.  The weather forecast is for lots of rain over the next few days.  I will get a pedicure later today.  Tomorrow I will go to Costco.  Then it is home for the long weekend while it storms with thunder, lighting and flooding. I am not happy here.  I don't think I will ever be happy again but just a certain level of contentment....getting by.  I stay home almost all of the time.  I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything.  Well I did play slots on Monday.  First time in years and it sure was fun and my sidekick was a lot of fun.  The best distraction I have had in a long while. I live in a house where a family lived for almost 60 years.  It is their house.  I am starting to feel more at home here.  It is large and sits on 1/4 acres and has a great sunroom. I have other work to do.....

I feel the need to write about how I feel.  I have a wide range of feelings today.  Loneliness.  Fear. Panic. Sadness. Fatigue. Nausea. Sadness. and probably Depression.  All in the same day.  OMG I wish Ted was here to be with me to face all of this. I miss him so much. I didn't know it would be this hard. I didn't know it would be this painful. I am back in Modesto.  Almost everyday I think how the fuck did this happen. I have congestive heart failure and I had to come back to Stanford so they could save my life.   I couldn't stay in Oregon. I am lost at sea.  I have no compass. I have no anchor. I have a little dog who worries about me all the time.  I have two cats who are confused by my unhappiness.  None of us play.  We all just exist.  I tell myself and others counsel me to count my blessings and I have so many.  But..... I am alone, the world is in crisis, there is war, famine, floods, fires and greed and crue...